She needed my love more than my milk

When I was pregnant, I read a lot about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I quite like my boobs, so I wasn't too fond of the idea of having them battered and bruised, but the more I read about the benefits, and the more they swelled, I decided I wanted to give it a go - no pressure.

Abbey was in an incubator for a week and spent two weeks in SCBU

Pressure: The day after Abbey’s birth (5 weeks early) I was told quite bluntly that staring into her incubator was not going to help her, I needed to give her my milk.

My body was still in shock, I had not had any leaking beforehand so my boobs were not ready to deliver the precious milk. The lactation consultant showed me what to do, how to use my hand to manually express milk.

She makes me look huge and I make her look tiny!
Abbey in the hospital

Oh the pain, the searing pain, the hot tears on my face as I willed the milk to come. I used warm cloths to help bring the milk down and I squeezed and massaged and squeezed - there was no other option, I had to get my milk, my baby needed it.

My premature, underweight, tiny baby who had a cannula in her delicate little arm, who had wires on her monitoring her heart and her breathing. There was no time to catch up, to focus on healing post-surgery, on my weakness, on my upset or confusion, there was no time to think, I had to squeeze.

I don’t do pain, I don’t push through pain, sweat or tears, that just isn't me, but this wasn't about me.

My baby needed me and I needed to produce. After several hours, it came, the pain was severe but at last the sticky yellow substance (colostrum) appeared.

We bought a Medela Harmony breast pump for expressing

Once through, they reassured me more would come, I just needed to keep working at it. So I did, and slowly but surely I started to bring my baby 1ml, 3ml and 5ml of the yellow sticky substance that she needed. The nurses encouraged me, pushed me for more.

I felt so proud for getting it, for pushing past my limits to give her what she needed - but she needed more and I was exhausted.

Eventually they gave me the automatic pump. Oh that industrial hospital breast pump. Yes it took ages to get those tiny drips into the bottle, but it did come and the pain started to subside slowly - and as the pain eased, the substance started to change a milky colour.

We tried to breastfeed from the boob, but she was too small, it was too much work for her tiny mouth. The nurses pushed me, but I said no, my baby is hungry she needs my milk, but she doesn't have the energy, still with a cannula in her arm, still with beeps attached, I wanted to make her life as easy as I could, despite her difficult time.

“Put a tit on it, put it in the feeding tube - just get it into her,” I demanded.

On her fourth day, we started to breastfeed using a nipple shield - as it was easier for her to latch on to. But there were days when it was too distressing for both of us. She had very little patience so if she didn't get any milk after two of three tries she would get upset, which made me upset. At one week old, we were alternating between tube and expressed breast milk, to keep her energy up. At two weeks old I moved back into the hospital for three nights and we started breastfeeding again, because the nurses said full time expressing would be too much work.

She latched on using a nipple shield and fed every 3 hours  - perfect. Her weight returned to her birth (just 4.9lbs) and we got to bring her home.

At home during the day she could go two hours between feeds, but at night, she was still feeding almost every 90 mins. I was exhausted and emotional. I had to bring her into bed with me to get even 15 mins rest. I never took to breastfeeding, I certainly didn't enjoy it, I endured it - but it wore me down. I would cry at night when she cried. She was so much calmer when her father held her - and this made me upset. Despite all the help from my husband and family, I felt so alone, the weight of the responsibility bared down on me - she needs me, me alone to provide for her.

In the middle of all this Abbey had been born with a dislocated hip and needed to go to Temple Street Children’s Hospital in Dublin (2 hour drive away) every week for a check up, she was also put into a brace which made feeding much more awkward.

Abbey in Temple Street Hospital

I wasn't in pain, there were no latching problems and my baby was growing properly.
But I decided to quit breastfeeding after six weeks so I could love my baby.
I knew if I had stuck with it I would slip into some sort of depression. I was not enjoying my baby and I resented how calm she was with everyone else but me.
My little newborn who fought so hard to get out early and survive. My precious, beautiful tiny baby needed a happy mum, not a stressed one who was annoyed every time she cried.
I decided she needed my love more than my milk.

Having a cuddle after a night time bottle feed

As soon as I made the decision, I felt better. It took over 2 weeks to wean her onto formula. She loved it, she started to sleep better and became a little bit more content in herself. And I got to love her, to cuddle her, to watch her daddy feed her, to take a little step back and enjoy being a mother.

This is not a post against breastfeeding, I am pro breastfeeding, but it didn't work out for us. 
Quitting was the best adult decision I have ever made.

Would I breastfeed again? Absolutely.

Would I recommend you to breastfeed? I would advise you to try it, and to make the best decision for you, your baby and your family.

What was your experience of breastfeeding?

Surviving the Special Care Unit

When your baby is admitted to the Special Care Baby Unit or Neonatal Unit it is difficult, it is confusing and it is upsetting, but you have to figure your way around this new and unexpected world.

I say surviving the Special Care Baby Unit, because that is all you can do. You can’t plan for tomorrow or next week, you must survive the day. You must push through the set backs, the continuous tests, the temporary diagnosis, the daily weigh ins and all the foreign bodies poking into your baby. 
Because this is the best place for your baby.

Abbey in the incubator

Your baby

I am sure for any first time mother, it is difficult to comprehend that this perfect being in your arms is your baby. But if you are forced to look in at your tiny bundle, to stand by when they are crying or upset when all you want to do is cuddle, to hold, to care for your baby, but you can’t, then you really do feel detached.

She is my baby, despite the wires and monitors, the drip and the feeding tube, she is mine.

Ask - ask what you can do, ask if you can help. The nurses in Cavan General Hospital SCBU were angels, they had so much patience and kindness for my questions, for my requests for skin to skin and for my distress. Take control of what ever you can - for me it was to provide breast milk, that was my "job." More on breastfeeding soon.

Get Support

Like with any new born baby, you need the support of everyone around you, family, friends and neighbours. For me it was getting lifts to and from the hospital, getting nappies, clothes, having meals cooked at home etc. Delegate some one to answer all the well meaning questions, and to inform well wishers to keep their distance.You do not need to hear the question “When is she getting home” 

twenty times a day when you just don’t know.

Visiting times

The visiting rule in Cavan SCBU allowed only for parents and I have to say I was happy with that. I got to spend so little time in contact with my baby, I really didn't need to be sharing that time with anyone other than my husband. If your hospital doesn't have this rule, work out short visiting times for immediate family.

Your Partner

I can’t imagine what the experience of SCBU was like for my husband. I didn't have time to think about him, but looking back now I realise it must have been hell. At least I could provide breast milk - I could do something. The majority of the time she was handed to me for skin to skin, as he was left looking on. I know when I was discharged from hospital, he was delighted to have me home, and all I could do was cry. It is only now I see how soul destroying that was for him. The only thing I can advise is talk, save all your thoughts and news for him. Talk about the news, pictures on Facebook, about the hospital car park - just talk!

Our little glow bug - the wires were monitoring her breathing

Get Out
After the first week in SCBU, I took an hour and a half every day to have lunch and walk around the hospital. Sometimes I called my friends during that walk or I just enjoyed walking - without being in pain (I had suffered pelvic pain). Fresh air does help to clear your mind.

Go Home

The hardest and best decision I made was to leave the hospital after I was discharged. If I had pushed hard enough and kicked up a fuss, I could have got special accommodation beside the SCBU, but at that time we didn't know when she would get home, we had been warned it could be a month and the nurses advised that a month in hospital would drive me nuts. I went home each night and actually got some rest in my own bed, in my Pyjamas with my husband. I needed it so I could be 100% when I was with our baby. Before she came home I spent a weekend with abbey in the hospital accommodation.

You

It was amazing to finally put clothes on our little baby

I remember taking pain killers every day, but that is my only recollection of my post-partum body. I was too busy pumping milk, calling the ward, driving to and from the hospital and pacing the ward. I did make sure to walk outside every day, to eat lunch and to sleep at night. To be honest I could have rested more, it might have helped with bringing her home. But all new mothers are victims of not resting enough.

Items of distraction

I would have called them entertainment, but when your baby is in an incubator wired up, you will not be entertained. Music, a book, magazine, internet and portable games can keep you distracted though.

Focus on your baby

This is obvious right? Well as you search for a distraction from your own situation, sometimes parents can get talking to other parents in SCBU. You ask about other babies and this can have a negative effect. If other babies are doing better than yours, it can put added weight to your situation, visa versa a positive step for your little one can be overshadowed by a set back for another baby you have gotten to know. The advice is cruel, but stick to your own baby’s welfare. Be nice and talk to other parents, but keep it general.

Free from wires and tubes and heading home

Stay informed

A week into our SCBU experience after numerous tests and diagnosis we learned that Abbey had sleep apnea, which was caused by her premature birth. She just needed time to catch up, she needed to grow bigger and stronger, her mind needed to focus on the art of breathing. We were assured that once the caffeine started to work and she got a few incident free nights under her belt, it would not be a reoccurring issue.  We knew what to focus on - she had to store as much energy as possible to grow stronger and put on weight. She needed the feeding tube as bottle and breastfeeding was taking too much energy from her frail little body. Putting clothes on her would also take up energy, over cleaning took up energy. We understood this and so it was easier to see her with the tube, the wires which monitored her breathing, the drip for the caffeine and just a nappy on. Make sure the medical team explain simply the procedures and diagnosis for your baby.

As I have said before, we were very lucky that Abbey only had to spend two weeks in SCBU, before she was discharged. She has been thriving since.

Also check out:

Premature and tiny: Abbey Rose

Five weeks Early - My scary funny birth story

What a pain in the pelvis!

Premature and Tiny: Abbey Rose

Abbey Rose was born on October 7, 2014 at 18.27 - five weeks early.

She weighed 4lbs 9oz, with a tiny head, tiny body, tiny everything with some red hair on top to add colour to her pale, fragile body.

She cried seconds after she was born, dispelling any worry about her lungs.

Abbey was taken to the Special Care Baby Unit to be checked out and was tube fed that night while I recovered from the Emergency Section. 

In the middle of the night, she held her breath and set off the alarm on the incubator. She did not have to be resuscitated, but it happened a few times afterwards so the doctors started to treat her for an infection, as they waited for her blood results to be analysed.

They first thought she might have an infection, which was why she was born five weeks early, but that was soon ruled out - she was born so early because she did not have enough room to grow.

Her bloods came back with no infection, so they decided she a form of infant sleep apnea- which is very common in premature babies.

Abbey spent two weeks in SCBU. Suffice to say it was tough - read more about surviving the SCBU here. It was heartbreaking being discharged from hospital, but leaving my baby behind. I thought it would get easier every day I visited, but the more I saw her and held her, the harder it got.

In those two weeks she lost weight and regained it, she was put on caffeine to stimulate her brain, and it worked, the apnea seizures, which only ever happened at night started to become less frequent and then stopped altogether.

My breastfeeding journey will need a separate post, if not a few, but short story is she was too small and weak to feed from the breast initially, so I pumped milk and she was partly tube fed, partly bottle fed for the first two weeks in hospital.

She was in an incubator for the first 10 days, she had a drip for the first week and was attached to an apnea monitor which meant she had a few wires on her. She was a week old, before she had her first babygrow on - size premature.

She also had issues with her hips, the first few days her heels were up at her head, so it was obvious that they were 'dislocatable.' She was later found to have a dislocated right hip and a shallow/clicking left hip which needed correction.

But at two weeks old, she was breastfeeding from the boob, had gained weight and had got over her apnea, we got to bring her home and that was one of the best feelings in the world, as well as overwhelmingly terrifying!

Also check out: Five weeks early - My funny scary birth story
Surviving the Special Care Baby unit
The last leg: The Third Trimester